A candid and heart-felt guide for brides faced with the extraordinary circumstances of having to change or postpone plans for their big day.
I fancy myself as a bit of an event planner. In my “career-girl” life at Chadron State College, planning is pretty much what I did. I helped to organize events from small post-work gatherings, to our college president’s inauguration gatherings to New Student Orientation–and a variety of events in-between.
Of course, I planned my own wedding. Just a small, intimate affair of around 500 guests, a tent big enough for Barnum & Bailey and a fifteen-page dossier detailing every moment of the event. And, have orchestrated many showers, birthday parties and soiree’s throughout the last 20-some years.
One thing I have learned is that no party goes exactly as planned. In my experience, the weather is usually to blame for kiboshing my best-laid plans. And, if the recent events have taught us anything, it is to expect the unexpected.
As I continue to see posts on social media about events being postponed or canceled, my planner instincts have started to tingle. So, I felt the need to share some of my expertise. I hope this helps you navigate the potentially rough and uncharted seas ahead.
It’s Okay
You have been faced with extraordinary and unprecedented circumstances. Whether you are still considering what to do or you have already decided to postpone, you need to know this:
You have every right to feel however you need to feel. Anger, sadness, devastation, anxiety, disappointment, grief and . . . maybe even . . .
Relief.
Relief because you didn’t really want a big “to-do”. Perhaps you had family issues that would have exploded after too many cocktails. Or, you just needed more time with your significant other to enjoy being engaged without the stress of wedding planning.
Or, maybe you just weren’t ready.
Or maybe you were. This was something you’ve been dreaming about, wishing for and wanting so badly. A day that you both deserved.
And damn it, this f-ing sucks.
In any case, pour your self a big glass of wine (or 18–no judgement), scream, cry, eat an entire quart of ice cream, binge watch some Real Housewives, go for a run or do whatever you need to, to clear your head.
And, remember to breathe. Because, sweetheart, the next part might be hard–but girl, you’ve got this.
Rally your Squad
You are gonna need them. And who you choose is almost as important as what you decide to do about the actual event.
Consider who will be helpful, candid (but not judgemental), and most importantly, able to assist you with making this decision and all the things that come after.
I mean, your maid-of-honor might typically be your ride-or-die go-to in situations like this, but if she working on the front-lines or trying to home-school her kids and work, she might not have a lot of time to spare.
So, lean-on those who do. Whether that be your fiance, bridesmaids, your mom, your aunts, your sisters or your work-bestie–get them in the loop.
You might also consider someone who can provide a truly objective, non-emotionally-driven opinion. It doesn’t need to be a professional wedding planner, but someone with experience to provide you and your squad with realistic guidance through some of the deep-water stuff–especially if you are not great at delegation and/or dealing with possible conflict/confrontation.
But, don’t make your squad too big. Too many people equals too many opinions. And ain’t nobody got time for that. Stick to three-five people at most.
Making the Decision
First, write out all the possible scenarios–including pros and cons. Sort of a “choose your adventure story” if you will. Think “if this, then that”.
Be realistic about the date and the restrictions. Contact your local health district for guidance, be mindful of your guests, and err on the side of safety and caution.
For example, if certain restrictions prevent you from having the large reception you had planned, can you plan something small and intimate and reschedule the big party for a later date–and still feel like you had the wedding you wanted?
Or would it simply be easier (and mean more to you) to reschedule the whole thing?
Review your vendor agreements and contact them. Are they willing and able to host your event at the venue, tend bar, provide catering, play music, etc. on the date planned? If you reschedule, are they willing to hold your deposit and put it toward the new date–or will a new deposit be required?
Contact the hotels where you have reserved rooms. Are they accepting reservations? What precautions are they taking to keep your guests safe?
Finally, give yourself a timeline for a final decision–no later than a month prior to your event. This allows time for you to tie up details, send out communication, and for guests to cancel travel plans and/or reservations if necessary.
Communication is key.
If you do not have a wedding website and/or social media event dedicated to your big day, now is the time to create one. This allows you to communicate with your guests efficiently and effectively. Include your contact information for anyone who has questions or concerns.
You already sent invites . . .
Notification in writing is advised if you are altering your event in any way which would impact your guests (changing the time, venue, postponement, or cancellation). Of course, only if you can afford it and time allows. A simple postcard will do. Make sure to include the link to your website or social media account and let guests know to check there for important updates.
Even if you choose to proceed with your event as planned, you need to let your guests know. These are uncertain times and there is no need to cause additional anxiety by leaving them wondering.
Start with anyone who has already RSVP’d. Contact them to verify their intentions and the number attending. Guests may have had a change of heart depending on current restrictions and/or may bring fewer people than originally stated.
Then, communicate with your other guests. You can do this via email, phone call, your online event/website or better yet–a postcard notification.
As we have experienced, decisions about how we are able to assemble are made rapidly and typically enforced immediately upon announcement. Be prepared. Let your guests know that while you will be moving forward with the event as planned, they should visit your website or social media event online to stay apprised of updates and/or changes.
You haven’t mailed invites yet
Etiquette typically suggests sending invites about 8 weeks prior to the wedding. However, if you are concerned about having to alter the event, it is okay to wait a few more weeks so that you can include any additional communication pertaining to possible changes (rather than having to send a follow-up communication).
That being said, try to have your invites in the mail no later than 6 weeks prior to your event.
If you are moving forward with events as stated on the invite, you still should include a separate enclosure–at least for weddings planned through the end of summer. Just a note indicating your awareness of the current situation, that you plan to proceed but if anything changes, guests will be notified in advance as soon as possible. Mention again your website and/or social media event as a reference point.
You decided to postpone, but you already sent Save the Dates . . .
So, you sent out Save the Dates to a large number of people, but, due to restrictions, you are changing the format of the event to only include close family and friends. Don’t fret, communicate instead.
With the current circumstances, everyone will understand–but it’s never fun to “un-invite” folks who were planning to attend (even if they were never officially sent a “formal invite”).
If you plan to host a large celebration in the future, create a simple communication (again, a postcard is just fine) that says something like this:
Due to the safety and health guidelines pertaining to the outbreak of COVID-19, we have made the decision to postpone our wedding festivities. However, a small and private ceremony is planned to commemorate our wedding date. Thank you in advance for understanding and we look forward to sending out updated details for celebrating with you in the future.
If you are not planning a future reception, and the smaller, more intimate affair is your only celebration, here is some verbiage to use:
Due to the safety and health guidelines pertaining to the outbreak of COVID-19, we have made the decision to celebrate our wedding with a small, private ceremony and intimate gathering of immediate family only. We are sorry current restrictions prevent you from sharing in this day with us, but the health and safety of our guests is paramount. We know you will be with us in spirit. Thank you in advance for your understanding, love, and support.
Let Me Help
I’ve designed print materials for many occasions over the years to include save the dates, invitation suites and programs. I would be happy to assist you with any additional communication pieces you may need for your big day. You can contact me here for more information and pricing.
In addition, if you have questions or would like advice as you make or change plans, don’t hesitate to reach out.
The Hard Stuff
We are reaching the end of this post . . . and if you haven’t made a decision yet, you are probably feeling a little overwhelmed now. Like you are running out of time. And that you don’t know what to do.
Here’s my advice:
Don’t, for the love of God, do nothing.
Do something. Make a decision.
I know. Easy for me to say. Incredibly and insensitively easy for me to say. But if you haven’t heard it yet from your mom, grandmother or over-bearing aunt, sister, cousin or mother-in-law . . .
I’ll be that girl.
And unfortunately, unless you are the girl who is relieved not to have to host the big affair or you are okay with an altered version of the day you have been dreaming about . . .
Postpone it.
You should not have to make concessions to have the day of your dreams. And, good things come to those who wait. So, get off the fence.
Drink another glass of wine. Dry those tears. And start to think about how amazing your wedding is going to be next fall, or next spring or next summer.
Everyone will have that much more fun because we will all have a new appreciation for having the ability to gather and celebrate together.
Now, scroll back up to the part about communication and let everyone know. And maybe, have one more glass of wine.
Or don’t postpone and own it.
Postponing might not be feasible or maybe you just want to get it done–I mean you are so close! I totally get it.
Keep those contingency plans handy (just in case) and refer to the previously mentioned communication strategy. Understand guests may not feel comfortable attending, even if restrictions are loosened. But ignore comments that are anything less than supportive.
Divide the guest list up between your “squad” a few weeks before the event via phone or email to get a more firm grasp on the number of people who will actually be attending. This includes those who have already RSVP’d–as their feelings about attending may have changed.
Then, contact all of your vendors for final confirmation. Visit with the venue, caterer, bar provider, etc. to make necessary adjustments to the amount of seating, food, and beverage needed. Adjust your photo schedule to accommodate any missing family or bridal party members.
And when the big day comes, no matter who is there . . .
Dance your mother f-ing face off.
Resources and final words
Most of this post was written from my personal experiences and opinions. However, I provided some are additional resources below that back-up some of my suggestions (from real experts).
And if after reading this, you are still feeling like–“what the heck does this girl know”, here are a few more backstories to bolster my “street-cred”.
First.
I have canceled a wedding. Not due to a global pandemic. More like a pandemic of the heart. He wasn’t the right guy, I wasn’t in love and it wasn’t going to work out. You can read the whole story here.
Second.
When I did finally get together with Mr. Right, we planned the huge and aforementioned outdoor wedding in late August. I thought I had all my ducks in a row. But my ducks flew South early in the hurricane-force winds that blew in the night before the big day. There was tornado not far from our venue and the winds almost took down the monstrous tent and blew away all of the decor we spent an entire day putting up.
Thankfully, my amazing family and friends who showed up at that ass-crack-of-dawn (hell it may have still been dark) to put it all back together before I arrived to see the real damage.
Even though that wedding did happen, it was certainly a stressful and questionable start to what should have been a “perfect day”.
Third.
I have helped friends who have had to change wedding plans for one reason or another. And, have experienced countless other occasions where–let’s be honest–shit just didn’t go according to plan.
But you are right. I do not know what is it like to be in your exact shoes and am so sorry that you are having to walk in them right now. I cannot truly fathom all the emotions you are going through. But, I hope you found some solace in what I’ve shared.
My heart truly goes out to you, your families, and to all of those who were so looking forward to sharing this special day with you. I wish you love, peace, health, and a beautiful wedding day (in whatever form or fashion it occurs).
And for reals, let me know if I can help. Even if you just need someone to drink wine with.
Cheers.
http://www.keepsakeevents.ca/blog/wedding-planning-covid19
https://www.theknot.com/content/covid19-help
https://www.brides.com/note-from-team-brides-corona-virus-4800290
YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN ~ GREAT POST!